Come and wash away teh pain.

This is a children's book written by Daphny and illustrated by somebody... anyway, it's about a black hole named Brunhilde who gets hungry, and HILARITY ENSUES.

Please enjoy this choice piece of literature exclusively for the kiddies.

Because I said so.

People are pretty weird. I just read about a reality-show contestant who apparently murdered his ex-wife and then killed himself. This in and of itself isn't so weird; if I were regularly featured on TMZ, I would have ended it all, too. Consider, however, the following:

1. The guy mangled this woman's body so badly that she had to be identified by the serial numbers on her breast implants.

2. Breast implants have serial numbers?

3. Possibly so the government can track all those radicals who are also porn stars and strippers. The thing they use to scan the serials is secreted away in the mouth of some rich, drunk asshole around your dad's age. Yuck.

4. The Yahoo! news article makes a big fuss about the town where this guy was staying when he offed himself being such a backwater. The place was called the Thunderbird Motel (which, as residents are quick to point out, is "kind of seedy" - well DOY) and Rambo was filmed there. Oh, and apparently the townies like to carve things with chainsaws?

5. The shows this guy was on? "Megan Wants a Millionaire" and "I Love Money." Yeah. Bitter tears of loss and disappointment on this one.

Think about this. The only reason that money is valuable is because governments declare it valuable. It isn't even a commodity that people want; it's just paper or cheap metal. This is called "fiat money" and pretty much every country who's any country uses it. And people say language doesn't have the power to shape reality! Pff.



"Hey, you know that stuff you want, like food and shelter? Well, funny thing; if you don't have a lot of these little pieces of paper, you're pretty much screwed. Also, we get to print the money, but in order for YOU to get it, you have to work. Don't ask me why, I didn't make the rules. OH WAIT YES I DID."

Did you know that refusing money offered cancels a debt in the same way that accepting money does? I sure didn't!

People used to barter and, more often, give and receive gifts to make their way in this crazy world. A lot of societies used real commodities, like grain, to determine what money was worth. And then, a lot of people used cowry shells.

Which are actually a type of these guys:

Aw.

Moral of the story: don't get obsessed about money, because sea creatures are intrinsically just as good, if not better. A lot cuter, anyway. Somebody should probably mint a coin with that little charmer on it; they'd sell like gothcakes. Also, never go on reality TV, because you'll later murder your ex-wife and hang yourself in the town where they made Rambo. Wait, what?

SPONGY BRAINS!

One of these brains is infected with mad cow disease (more properly known as bovine spongiform encephalopathy or, in humans, Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease); one of these is not. Since you can't see inside your brain, guess which one is which!

"This is your brain. This is your brain on bovine spongiform encephalopathy. Any questions?"

*

"Where Your Eyes Don't Go"
by They Might Be Giants

"Where your eyes don't go a filthy scarecrow waves its broomstick arms
And does a parody of each unconscious thing you do
When you turn around to look it's gone behind you
On its face it's wearing your confused expression
Where your eyes don't go

Where your eyes don't go a part of you is hovering
It's a nightmare that you'll never be discovering
You're free to come and go or talk like Kurtis Blow
But there's a pair of eyes in back of your head

Every jumbled pile of person has a thinking part that wonders
What the part that isn't thinking isn't thinking of
Should you worry when the skullhead is in front of you
Or is it worse because it's always waiting where your eyes don't go?

Where your eyes don't go a part of you is hovering
It's a nightmare that you'll never be discovering
You're free to come and go or talk like Kurtis Blow
But there's a pair of eyes in back of your head

Where your eyes don't go a filthy scarecrow waves its broomstick arms
And does a parody of each unconscious thing you do
When you turn around to look it's gone behind you
On its face it's wearing your confused expression
Where your eyes don't go"

Perseus

Perseus Eurymedon, as you may know, was a mythic Greek hero who rescued Andromeda from the sea monster and cut of Medusa's head. For this and other heroic feats, Perseus's name has been ascribed to many things, including an online database of art, archaeology, and translations. He has been represented in painting and sculpture by such notable artists as Dali and Cellini. There are multiple operas celebrating his feats, and authors have been inspired by his myth as well; Melville in Moby Dick calls him the original whaler, and Sylvia Plath has a poem about him.

Perseus was one of the main heroes of Greek myth, and as such is often associated with a saving force of good, sky, or light, and an animating masculine character. The monsters he defeated are dark and of the earth, and often represent the "mysterious" character of female-ness which myth-makers of all eras seemed to have such a hard time dealing with. (In my opinion, there is no more reason to associate females with darkness, the moon, or the earth any more than with donut holes or strappy sandals, but then again my opinion doesn't count since I'm a woman. Har har har.)

Of course, many of us know Perseus through the constellation which bears his name. Its brightest star, Mirfak, is 62 times more luminous than our sun; the best-known star, Algol (from al Ghul, the "ghoul" or "demon star") represents the gorgon Medusa's eye, which was said to turn mortals to stone. The famous Perseid meteor shower takes its name from this constellation, and although the shower peaked early this morning, you can still see meteors streaking through the sky tonight and for the next few nights.



For best viewing, get away from the ambient light of your cities for once. The best times to view the showers will be between 11 p.m. and 5 a.m. For those of us here in the East, Perseus will be visible in the northeast and continue to rise to the north as the night progresses.

Get your outdoors gear in order and go! There's no reason whatsoever for you to miss this. How many more meteor showers will you see in your life? Probably not as many as you'd like to think. And, since neither of us have any clue as to whether or not you'll be able to view meteor showers after you die, it's about time that you decided to carpe noctem and go view this dazzling display (which is actually just very shiny, glorified debris hitching a ride in the tail of the comet Swift-Tuttle). Meanwhile, I'm really digging this painting, "Perseus and Andromeda - A Role Inversion" by Christina Neofotistou, and I think you will, too (click for bigger).



Art, stars, monsters and myths. As always, I strive to remain,

Mz. Your-One-Stop-Shop-For-Things-Not-Of-This-Earth